joyful mother of children

One thing I have learned these past 5 years is that nothing in this lifestyle is predictable.

We did get a placement the in way that was described in our trainings.

We got a phone call on a Saturday night asking if we could take a toddler “just for the weekend.” It happened to be the same Saturday that we had invited the entire worship team over.

We had a 30 second conversation and a held my phone over the speaker like a certifier has never heard a couple discuss if their were enough beds car seats and so on.

My husband nodded I told her yes, her response stunned me a little she said something like okay I am waiting for the police and then we will go get the kiddo, I will call when I am on my way.

20 minutes, that felt like hours later else called back with a first name, a gender and an approximate age and let us know that he is doing pretty good considering.

(All of our amazing friends prayed with us while we waited)

When she arrived he clung to her for the first 20 minutes that felt like hours. He had a small dark blue duffel bag that looked like the ones that other kids had moved into our home with. He also had a small clear tub with a few toys

When I finally got him into my arms and inside my house, I offered him all the snacks I have. It was obvious this little guy was so tired. As the night continued, our awesome friends left the five children we already had went to bed and our newest little guy clung to his shoes I clung to him and my husband sat close enough to us to help should we need him but far enough back to not disrupt the delicate tension.

Eventually the little guy did fall asleep but he woke each time I tried to lay him down. So we spent the night on the couch me holding the child, the child holding the shoes and my husband curled up in the chair with a way too small blanket making us both feel a little safer.

Ps in typical fostering manner that weekend is still going and we are more and more glad we said yes every day.

Leafy is the name of my dearly loved fiddle leaf fig plant. I brought her home around the same time as I brought my sons home, so she is our love fern 😉

Lesson I am learning from leafy:

When I first got leafy I did some research about how to take care of fiddle leaf fig plants:

Lots of indirect light

Water about once a week )I figured about a cup of water)

And dust their leaves

I followed these instructions with my whole heart because I love leafy and I want her to do well. And guess what! She did. She did so well she got taller she grew new leaves, she looked so great until… her leaves started to turn brown and many fell off. I went back to the internet to try to find what went wrong. ROOT ROT. I was giving her too much too often and her roots were far too saturated she began to rot from her core out.

So I quickly changed her pot, gave her more soil, and l e f t h e r a l o n e. She is happy again, although she no longer looks as glorious as she did in her youth. She need to rest, she needed the dry season and so do you dear friends.

It’s so hard for me to not DO. I like really love to serve, I love to work hard knowing that I am working for Jesus. I enjoy checking things off of lists and giving my loves all I got. I don’t like the holy tension between all that could be done and what is mine to do.

I can fill my self up with so many good works that I work myself to death. If I have a spare moment I clean a floor, check social media, read my bible more, call a friend or family member, get super intentional with whoever is in front of me.

But here is the the thing even though these are all neat things that should be done they are not necessarily the next right thing for me or for you. They are rewarding for sure you might grow some new leafs and stuff but here is the thing unless you give those roots a break you are gonna rot my friend.

It’s hard to know when we need to do and when we need to wait. Most of the time I don’t know, and I think I know why.

We are sheep. We need our shepherd to lead us and make us rest! We need him to restore us! I think of the jubilee year where slaves were meant to be freed and land was meant to rest.

We need to get some time to be alone with our good shepherd, not requesting, not studying, not serving. Just breathing in and out and waiting. Trusting.

“You know before I do

Where my heart can seek to find Your truth

Your mercy is the shade I’m living in

You restore my faith and hope again”

“He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”

Psalms 23:2-3

Be still and know psalm 46: 10

Today was super rough.

Pack 5 kids into a minivan at 5 am and then spend 5 hours at a children’s hospital kind of rough.

Looking for answers to questions like:

What’s causing these things?

What can we do to help our child?

Will it always be this hard with/for them?

I feel like I have more questions than answers after today. I feel like I have more problems than solutions. And. I. Am. So. Tired. I feel overwhelmed. This is not a new feeling for me as a foster, adoptive, and just plain mom. I have found in my life the only real cure for overwhelm is more overwhelm. What I mean is to be so overwhelmed and consumed by God, who he is and what he has done for me that my circumstances, though still uncomfortable are in perspective.

Here are the scriptures I am reminding my heart this very evening (while I am isolating and enjoying comfort food, because though I firmly believe Jesus is the only answer I feel like he would maybe sit on my kitchen floor and eat tillamook icecream laced with salt from my tears, with me)

“Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah”

Psalms 61:1-4

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”

Psalms 121:1-2

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.”

Proverbs 3:5-7

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”

James 1:5

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:26-28

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”

Jeremiah 29:11-13

“Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”

Luke 12:31-32

I am still super duper tired but I am reminded that he isn’t surprised by this, he is going to use this for good! He has good plans for my little buddy bear. I don’t need to have things figured out I need to seek Jesus and he will straight up take care of the rest. I don’t even need to know what, or how to ask I just need to come to him and trust that he’s got us. So tonight his joy is going to be my strength.